Falling...

I wrote a response post to my cousin/friend Jill's blog... and decided I wanted to share it... as I lingered over her words and voice, as well as the crispness of fall... So here is her web address -- and here is my comments and lust of fall...

http://jbusscher.blogspot.com/

My Comments:

oh, I love this! I feel like I'm writing with you when I read your words... like a rambling of thoughts and language and emotions and feelings and perspectives and pictures all wrapped in to one... and I can feel your voice scream and linger and meander and ramble all the way through it. It's awesome!

I'm falling all over here. Some times flat on my face with students when lessons are horribly thrown together. Sometimes in love and then out of it. Sometimes in bloom with the lust of fall -- the pumpkins, the corn mazes, the crunching leaves, the crisp of air...

I remember "fall" in the Philippines every autumn since. Because it was 90-some degrees and I missed fall in MI/IN; I remember specifically look at these pictures one boy I liked sent me and he was walking and hiking in crunchy autumn leaves in November, and I wanted to be there, because I missed it in my tropical climate. Fall is everything cozy and yet still fresh and live before the earth breaks into the barren of blank winter.

I'm falling... always into new and fresh and thoughts and love and emotions... and into your writing. Because I love it; and I love you!

Bulldozed.

This week, I have gotten bulldozed, steam-rolled, and run over. By life. Last week was rejoicing, but by the nights after school it was back to the intensity of emotional upheaval with family, and lots of tears and heartache. Increased by broken teapots and treasures. And then added stress of the same headaches - every day for three months - with no hope or help. And students who are running me over and curriculum that I don't have time to plan. I worked all weekend, literally, and then again last night. Not even a relaxing meal with friends. And now, I still don't have a US History lesson plan for tomorrow. Tears billow again in my eyes, my head throbs, and emotional exhausting suffocates me.

I want my mom.

Beyond Rejoice.

As sometimes this blog gets most of the depth of me in raw & yearning, instead today I decided to share in exclamation, a writing of praise and worship from my journal this morning, to God, my God, my Father:

BEYOND REJOICE!

God, words aren't enough to start, to say. It's too controlled to put letters to. I am beyond rejoice.

Vibrant. Alive. Afresh. Anew. Full Living. Sparkling. Propelled. Joyful. Explosive. Perfectly Placed. Called. Prepared. Gifted.

YOU HAVE RESTORED ME!

My praising, worshipful, thankful heart cries in full joy and faithfulness. I now can see, so I am boldly called to acknowledge your hand, your guidance, your strong support, and your listening to my cries. You ARE the God of I AM. You ARE the God who hears.

And I, am a Rejoicing, Joyful, Thankful heart.

Amen.

"...the bones you have crushed rejoice!" Psalm 51:8

Like Riding A Bike.

Going back to school today, was like riding a bike. Something you are trained to do and engrained with so deeply, that the inside of you still remembers all of it at the core.

It was students coming into class, me chatting and telling stories with them, reminded them to be quiet, memorizing all 33 names of one class, fending off junior jocks, aligning debates, designing formative questions, and setting the stage.

There are a few things a teacher must do, especially in high school, and perhaps the most important is to establish the fine line between teacher and friend. This is establishing authority while establishing interest, gaining repot while holding reigns. Today, I think I tottered both sides well.

Surely, some are testing me, and all are gauging who I am and what I am like as a teacher, but all in all the day was so successful, it didn't feel like a first day at all. Just "normal." Like riding a bike.

Who Rejoice.

Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

We have had a lot of mourning together; over miscarriages, deaths, movings, loss of jobs, changes, boyfriends, transitions... But these days, we also rejoice together.

Over:

A friend due with a baby this month.

Several friends starting new jobs this week and gaining employment.

Several Wedding Engagements.

Another Pregnancy.

Today, these days, I have learned the truth and blessing of this verse, to "rejoice with those who rejoice."

She Gave Me Freedom.

She gave me freedom. As odd as that sounds, by my mom dying, she gave me freedom to love it here and be deep in my life here. To gather this place as a sense of home; to not be torn between leaving GR and living here, or feeling guilty about it. As odd as it sounds, she gave me this freedom.

I Dance On Tables.

I dance on tables.

Yes, you read that correctly. I dance on tables. Seriously, last night all inhibitions were thrown to joy in the wind and in front of everyone, I climbed right up and "who-hoo" -- there I went!

Yes, Spain. Spain. Spain. Spain. Everything Spain.

I've never felt so full of awe and wonder and inspiration and joy and light and glowing beauty as this life in Spain. Literally, I sat the first night at Plaza Mayor near my hostel with Sangria and watched the dancers in the square, the lights glow around, and linen table clothes served with goblets, and moaned. Moaned, groaned, expressed everything in murmurs for I just couldn't take in the escstacy of the incredibleness.

And now I am surrounded by 44 people -- 44 incredible, talented, interesting, life-induced people. From doctors to sub-terrain scuba divers, Olympian competitors to journalist, regional Chess champions to US Navy officers. We are a group of extreme interests, from the guy in banking for 9 years while also playing in electric guitar in a punk band, to the doctor who researches other doctors who have been sued but also dances the Sevillanas. From beauty pageant winners to surfers, financial planners to recording artists, pregnant women to women with partners, air traffic controllers to botox advertizers, parachuters to nuclear physisists, HR managers to Tae Kwan Do experts, snowboarders to Cameroon tourist planners, massager therapist to Nissan manufactorers. The vast experiences, travel stories, and breadth of knowledge is incredible.

I've never met 44 people I have clicked so well with and laughed so hard with. We speak in English, but laugh with Spanish mix-ups like calling husbands "fat" or taking a "bath" in the swimming pool. We drink wine at lunch and dinner, beer or choice drinks at midnight, and sing anthemns with our arms linked and rocking. We danced the Cotton Eye Joe, all 44 in one space, listened to poetry, performed skits, and saw our own "boy band" formed -- of a teacher, lawyer, retired military officer, and stock marketer -- with movements and motions and absolutely stupidity, which made it all the funnier.

This group is lively, interesting, joyful, open, sharing, caring, and hilarious. They are a group who gives the air a spark of light and laughter...

and me, the craziness to dance on tables.