The Lord Today.

I love that the Lord called me on an intimate date today. That he called my heart, that he knows my name. And that he yearns for me. The Lord calls and cares over me like warm love on my soul. He breaks me into his comforting hands and holds the wounds with love and tenderness. Like a lamb with a shepherd.

I don't take time off. I don't take sick days unless I'm beyond reaching across to pull the sheets off my bed, sick.

But the Lord knows my heart deeper. He called me today. He woke me up with yearning for his love and his word. For the deepest of intimate dates with him. And time together of solace.

I've been battling a cold and sore throat all week -- DayQuil and NyQuil are taken in double doses. Stress stopped my muscles from movement. Fainting took turn instead. Students clam over me like personal oysters, sucking the life from my bones and draining me until all that was left was hurting disrespect and a crinkled, soiled soul. And coming to terms with things with Will hurt and ache and fill and refresh and hurt and ache all over again.

And so with lots of tears yesterday over loss of heritage, generation gap, needing and wanting my mom so badly, and feeling like damaged goods, the Lord sent me to bed with another heaving bout of coughs. And I called in sick today.

So I'm strapped underneath a cozy blanket, a dimly lit lantern, and blogging with my Bible and my journal on my lap and fresh banana bread warmed from the oven, and called to be His today. Intimately, purposeful, loved, beneath the shelter of His wings today. To let Him hold my heart and be his, and his alone today.

Blessing Note: I rejoice in the Lord. I take such beauty in today because what has happened with teaching, is that Sunday ends up to be church and the work, and the Sabbath has lost its intimate time. And the week is pulling at life and schedule and teaching, and Saturdays end up a pulling of lists of errands and necessities, and I never get filled, or enough personal time with the Lord to really know him and draw near to him.

So the Lord blessed me and cares over my heart today as he draws me to himself. Pulling us closer and more intimately together, so that I am satisfied as his and he is the Lord over and within me I love the Lord. I love his unconditional pleasure and pursuit of me.

Intimately Delights.

The Lord takes great delight in us.

How differently we look at things when we know the Lord is loving and steadfast and fulfilling.

The Lord rejoices over us.

The Lord claps, he dances, he sparkles over us. He rejoices in us.

The Lord quiets us with his love.

He is our nurturer, our Father, our feeler. He quiets us with his tender heart. He strengthens us with his Warrior heart. He loves us.

The Lord loves us unconditional.

I have seen him showing and proving his words more and more in the last week. That he is unconditional. He gathers me in his arms when I am weary. He cradles me close to his chest when I am tired, heavy burdened, or feeling unloved. He comes at me in clarity and real, open, honesty. With only Truth in his words. He is always a safe haven.

Then, the Lord gathers those who are scattered, he rescues the hurting, he removes the sorrows, he carries off the burden and brings end to the reproach. Then he honors, he restores, he brings delight, rejoicing, home (paraphrase Zeph 3:17-20).

What a Lord I serve. What a Lord who listens, who draws near, who comes to restore.

And the Lord is intimate. The Lord is close. The Lord calls us by name. He rejoices over me, by name. He earnestly seeks after me, by name.

The Lord draws me to himself today. He quiets me with his love. He leans in deeper into my heart and speaks his words over me, so intimately, so unconditionally, so full of love and power. The Lord is so intimate. The Lord is so personal. The Lord is unconditional.

The Lord is so intimate, he delights in me. Delights.

This is the Lord I love. This is the Lord I serve. This is the Lord that breathes into the all of me. Deeply, personally, intimately.

Feels Like Home To Me.

Feels Like Home

Chantal Kreviazuk

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It scares me.

I met this guy, his name is Will.

He holds my heart.

It scares me.

It scares me because its so easy to be with him; it scares me because he so easily taps into the depth of me; it scares me because he's willing and sincere; it scares me because he knows me. He already notices when my lips show contempt, when my eyebrows drown disagreement, when my eyes shimmer delight. I can try and hide it from him, but he reads right through. It scares me to be known, unveiled.

It scares me because it's all new. And it's hard. And it's too easy. All at the same time. It's hard to be in relationship, because I'm an all-or-nothing girl, 100% or out, and relationships can't be that way. They're slow, yearning, deep, riptides that take in the wake and bring it back out with lots of ebbs and flows, uncertainties, and rare clarities.

It's too easy because it's so natural with him. It never feels awkward to talk to him, to sit by him, to walk with him. When I reached to hold his hand the first time, I didn't even realize it was the first, because it was so natural. It's just so utterly 'normal' to be with him in every way, that it scares me.

It scares me because I don't know what I'm doing, and don't want to see warning signs and not pay attention. It scares me because I don't know what warning signs are big enough to ponder, and what are simply life and human. It scares me because you can't marry someone to change them, yet I wonder what changes are important enough to wait to marry someone for.

His name is Will. He holds my heart. He also makes me tender and caring, sarcastic and funny, safe and challenged. He's complimentary and careful, courageous and confident, cocky and combative. He doesn't let me get away with fear; he challenges me to the core about my dad; he prays for me with school. He's a tender warrior.

But at the same time, I'm still afraid. Afraid of dating, afraid of falling without knowing, afraid of his ideas and unsaid expectations and pressures of what a woman should be. Maybe that's natural, maybe that's a yellow light. Maybe it's just me.

My sister says to be bold with him, to let my guard down, to call him out on his s---, and to let myself be with him. My friends say caution, caution, caution; that I am a precious jewel and sacred treasure and to be careful with myself and save myself for the one who sees me this way.

Part of me says he does now, but part of me is scared that that will eventually fade away.

I'm not good at dating. I'm not good at half-way. I'm good at freedom or independence and the flare of life I capture with that, or living in full commitment and creating a life with someone out of that. But this being, this half-way, is hard on my tender heart and scares me. Even with someone so confident as he.

I met this man named Will.

For right now, he holds my heart.

And it scares me.

I Ignite.

Today, one of my kids said, "You should be a motivational speaker!"

It was one of my eleventh grade honors students, usually a kid who goofs off a bit and jokes around, but with good humor. Today, his eyes were alive with seriousness and inspiration.

There's a fire in my bones.

It's about Africa, and social justice.

And in it, I ignite.

I got to speak today about both, and it grabs me and slingshots me into this whole other world where my mouth cannot be silent, my speaking and lessons not arbitrary, and my vision and mission in the classroom not blown off.

It's the light in my fire, the passion in my bones, the thread of fabric that makes me come alive, and ignites something in me that just spews of love and justice and goodness, and a joyful and energetic cry out to bring forth that in others.

Jenelle asked how school went today. I shrugged about a few student behaviors, then light up like dyanmite and was like "But, I got to teach about Africa today!" and even to her, my words could not be stilled.

At 10:30 at night, I still sat up researching facts, pictures, you tube and video clips, ideas that may spur others to form a life line of hope and justice from the hearts of my Porter Ridge Pirates to the hands of people everywhere.

So it was a new unit on Africa today in World History. A brief unit in our book, which all the other Social Studies teachers just skip over and jump into Exploration and Expansionism (which, let me break and be honest -- I kinda hate teaching European stuff, especially ancient history, which basically means anything before 1900 to me -- don't tell! -- and that's about 90% of the World History that is taught in public schools...) But I decided to stop and study Africa. Because I think it's important that kids gain a global perspective, and see that history interlocks and civilizations everywhere were existing in different capacities at the same time.

So... we're studying Africa, from early civilization until modern day, a mini unit. And I lit up like fire. The facts ramble from me like common knowledge, not like the rumbling teacher digging through the Middle Ages for something to say. The stories and the people are alive, real, and glow like paintings coming off a page. The music, the air, the red dirt... it all surrounds me and embeds itself into my chest like a good whisper of real... of home.

So we got on tangents - purposefully - about Ishmael Beh and boy soldiers, about malaria and cyclical poverty, about civil wars and blood diamonds. And, we're not done, we've only just begun. The next week brings regions and geography, history and tribes, newspaper snippets, Skype calls, and an assortment of movie trailers for life (Blood Diamond, Hotel Rwanda, Tears of the Sun, I Dreamed of Africa). And I bring... my heart, passion, and life-blood.

And that's not all... in US History Honors today, we plunged into Industrialization/Immigration and its effects on life and working conditions. Which spurred stories of child welfare, slave labor, human trafficking, child soldiers, forced prostitution, and microeconomics. It was incredible. Its one of the reasons why I always love teaching this unit - because its so central to our lives and society and justice today. And I love seeing their face and hearing their reactions to the cruel treatments of children and the fact that slavery exists still today -- and that they care enough to do something about it, and are hungry for more. That they leave class, surprised at how fast it went, but spilling sentences still of class content/discussion as they cattle their way into the hallway.

I ignite. I light like fire and find my strength here. In this mix of motivation and mobilization. Of classroom teaching and challenging what's been taught. Of perceiving students as information takers, to informed do-ers. Of life and love and learning.

I ignite. And in these moments, in these discussion, I know that I am doing, EXACTLY WHAT I AM CREATED TO DO.

Building Empathy.

Sometimes I have these life experiences, that immediately afterward or already in it, I already know it's because, or at least going to, help me relate to someone else in a way I couldn't before.

I feel like that about this past week. About knowing now what it feels like to be in the situations and experiences that I've been in, with the emotions and feelings and questions and thoughts and conversations that all flow all in and out of it...

And I'm thankful. Protected by God's love and His sincere and deep compassion over me, that protected me from guilt or sin or a level of emotional intensity I couldn't recover from... But at the same time, taught me. What it was like to be "that girl" or in that scenario or situation or space. And I'm thankful that He loved me enough to bring me to it, into it, and through it, with His great love and compassion over me. I love Him. I love His love and his discipline and his empathy over and building within me.

And I love His people, as they are kind and tender and compassionate and listening and patient with me. And that beyond my choices and scenarios and thoughts and ramblings, they still always choose to love me and linger with me and lift me up in this unconditional love that I'll never know nor understand, except for that He's given it to me.

The Lord is Good, I say to myself, and in Him, I too, and left knowing that in me is the Lord, and He is Good.

Falling...

I wrote a response post to my cousin/friend Jill's blog... and decided I wanted to share it... as I lingered over her words and voice, as well as the crispness of fall... So here is her web address -- and here is my comments and lust of fall...

http://jbusscher.blogspot.com/

My Comments:

oh, I love this! I feel like I'm writing with you when I read your words... like a rambling of thoughts and language and emotions and feelings and perspectives and pictures all wrapped in to one... and I can feel your voice scream and linger and meander and ramble all the way through it. It's awesome!

I'm falling all over here. Some times flat on my face with students when lessons are horribly thrown together. Sometimes in love and then out of it. Sometimes in bloom with the lust of fall -- the pumpkins, the corn mazes, the crunching leaves, the crisp of air...

I remember "fall" in the Philippines every autumn since. Because it was 90-some degrees and I missed fall in MI/IN; I remember specifically look at these pictures one boy I liked sent me and he was walking and hiking in crunchy autumn leaves in November, and I wanted to be there, because I missed it in my tropical climate. Fall is everything cozy and yet still fresh and live before the earth breaks into the barren of blank winter.

I'm falling... always into new and fresh and thoughts and love and emotions... and into your writing. Because I love it; and I love you!