I Remember.

So what happens during these times of anniversary, is you remember many things. Some of them sad, some of them funny, some of them sacred. Here's just a few from those categories...

* My last two conversations with my mom were Thursday afternoon and Friday afternoon, both afterschool. They were beautiful days, the first gorgeous days of spring, and I sat outside on the lawn. Her discussing and us praying about her starting a mentoring program for younger women in her church. We talked Thursday for nearly an hour, then came back to revisit the topic Friday. And I still remember the Lord speaking clearly to me those days. And the warmth of sitting on the blanket on the freshly grown spring grass.

* That Friday, I was setting up for my Bloom Brunch, and decided to stay home to do so. I was giddy and excited, placing name cards and flowers around the condo. And staying home to get a pizza and movie for myself. My mom and I laughed about how fun that was for me.

* That night. I had called dad because I thought someone was in my house (long story...) so when the cop called, I thought he was referencing this, because he kept saying "I'm at your house with your dad..." Then, I thought maybe it was a student posing as a cop. Then I asked about my brother and sister, and he said they were also on their way. I finally figured it was the Homerich house but was still wary and he just said he would tell me information once I got there, and to take my time driving. I called Kelly. Josh picked up. I could hear Kelly in the background. That was all I needed to know. I got in my car and knew I would remember that drive for the rest of my life. So I drove slow, wondering if bricks had fallen on dad, if someone robbed them, if dad had a heart attack... I remember my mom saying the cops called them all to her parent's house when they were killed... but was trying not to freak myself out. So I remained calm the whole drive.

* My shoe. I will never get in a car again with only one shoe on and not think of this moment. I left in such a rush that I only got one shoe on. I pulled up to the house in the dark and the cop wouldn't let me pass. I stood on one shoe and held the other in my hand. Josh was on the front steps waving me up and in, but the cop was on the phone, and wouldn't let me pass. This went on for minutes. Finally, I just proceeded past the cop and met Josh on the porch... Kelly and dad in the front entryway, clinging to the stairs...

* I remember making phone calls. And people's exact responses when I had to tell her closest friend's the news. I can still hear their voices.

* Carolyn Deppe. The Friday night, I was crouched on the fireplace and she came over and said, in front of the thirty or so people there, loud and clear -- "You're mom and I were just talking about you this week. And we were both praying that you would marry a missionary doctor." Wow, of all times and places to discuss my dating life. I wanted to laugh and crawl in a whole at the same time, exposed in front of the crowd.

* Trying to arrange food. Whoa. That is a job in itself. Thankfully, Kelly took over most of that one. And made sure her and Melissa got a lot of Aunt Dawn's veggie pizza :)

* Trying to write the obituary. I think it was the first time that I felt my brain seize up. I remember sitting downstairs at the corner of the table of Cook Funeral home, and realizing that I wanted, I needed, to write her one last letter. Usually words tumble from my fingers, but I got so angry and cried all over the table because I just couldn't get to writing that obituary in the pressure of that twenty-minute time zone while also picking out headstones, caskets, bulletin wording, etc. Agr! It makes me angry and frustrated just thinking about that moment.

* Walking into "our section" of the funeral home the first time.

* People coming. People flocking to our house all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday, & Monday. My dad's friends walking in with wrenching tears and grasping him. My sister's best friend never leaving her side. My brother's entourage walking as one unit up the driveway. The neighbors with baskets and baked goods. Scott, Kimie, and Jill as that cousin bond unleashed fresh tears. People walking into the funeral home. Kate & Michael standing there. My students. Crossroads people. Amanda Cupp & Mandi Campbell. Laura, Jenny, & Missy never leaving my side. Countless friends from camp, high school, college, work, and beyond. Standing next to dad as a protector, and ushering people on.

* Consciously thinking, "I should be crying... Can I laugh? Why don't I feel pain?" And knowing I was almost third person at times, while other times envisioning things how I thought they would be instead of how they were.

* Sitting in the big red chair in the living room. Voices all in the kitchen talking, and tears just quietly and silently rolling down my checks.

* Taking Jaxson for walks any moment that I could. He was my safe place. My nurture. My quiet amidst the storm.

* Spending sleepless nights on the couches, floors, and beds at dad's house. (And transferring language from "mom & dad's house" to that). And each morning, us up before the sunrise, all awake and sitting talking for hours.

* Lots of coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

* Going out for Sunday brunch with the family to Boatwerks. I remember thinking, "Wow. These people just keep living. They just keep mowing their grass, going to church...." And also the freshness that we felt getting out and getting food.

* Wanting to flick off everyone who drove by ever-so-slowly and stared out their windows at our house.

* Getting the message for the phone call during the funeral home, only to find it was Channel 8 in disguise, and having no idea what they were talking about.

* Anne staying with me my first night "home." Just quiet and silent and patient.