Remarks on Grief.

In this turmoil that I ride, the highs and the lows, I started a list to help others claim the responsibility to journey with people in their grief. The list is from my own experience, but can possibly be transferred pretty easily to others. So take note, and then when you know someone who hurts, take heart:

~ If you don't know what to do, do something! Don't ever do nothing.

~ Simply, Be. The greatest gifts to me are the friends who just let it be okay that it hurts. Those who stood hours against the wall at the funeral home and never walked away, or who have sat for five hours without end while I just talked or cried or released. The gift of just "Be" is something no friend can ever compare to.

~ Never ask "how are you" unless you are prepared to hear. It's the stupidest question someone could ask you, especially when they ask lightly, or in passing, or just are feeding for information that adds to the gossip train.

~ Be personal. Write a note, write a story, write a memory. These little things inside a pile of envelops are something one cherishes.

~ Keep caring, keep calling. The grief doesn't end after two days. It doesn't mean that there won't be fun phone calls or great days to talk about, but it also doesn't mean that won't be hard phone calls or aches to be shared.

~ Listen. Listen to how they feel, why they feel that way, the stories they share, the pieces of that person they love. Listen (and don't try to share your own stories in between).

~ Remember: You Are The Giver. You give calls, meals, prayers, and listening. You give time, heart, and random gifts/notes. You are not the taker. The person in grief is piled so high with themselves they can't take more on. They have nothing left to give. And in this giving, remember the aspect of giver -- note that therefore even the "thanks" that might be polite or deserved is void and not required. You give of yourself in humility, unconditional of the response.