I Need My Mom.

I need my mom.

I went to the chiropractor last week and this week, and he said my spine is "degenerating." He said the emotional trauma's that I've experienced this year are taking a toll on my body and breaking it down, eventually wearing down my bones, nerves, organs, and spine. His sincere eyes were true, but let's be honest, after fainting last week and this week, I know I've got problems. Best part of it was, as I was fainting the second time, all I remember him saying is, "You really need to go see a Christian counselor..."

So he said he can heal some of my physical dysfunction, but that the physical is my body's response to the emotional.

Thus brings me to why I need my mom.

She always said, "Everyone needs someone. Everyone has to have someone to complain to, to vent to, to bounce things off of." And she would be mad if I didn't. She said she was my person and if I didn't call after a bad day of school or other difficulty, she would be mad. Our hearts were so similar in so many different ways that calling her was often the best thing I could do with any circumstance. She would often just listen and listen, heeding little words, and just after talking to her, I felt better. It was like, "Ah, its all out there" and I could sigh and rest and go on with my day. Anger and tears subsided. Like the comfort of a warm hug, snuggled and nestled and warm in her by means of words.

I went to a Christian counselor this week. I left more frustrated than when I arrived. Because I kept asking over and over what I need to do differently, what I can work on, what things will help me. Trying to find a way to deal with all this and 'get better'. And she just said that I can't do anything about the situations in my life, and that I just have to stop blocking emotions, and simply feel them. So there isn't anything I can do, just time.

I want my mom. I want her emotional support. Her space of "dumping zone." My freedom in words to speak to her. Talking to her with little concern of protecting her from the depths of my life because I knew she loved every piece of me and I was never "too much" for her. I could talk to her for ten minutes or hours and feel this deep connection and sense of love that over took anything else.

I want my mom.

I need my mom.

I miss my mom.

~
P.S. Yes, I know Jesus can be all of those things... but it's different. And unless you've never experienced my life and these situations, its hard to define and explain that.

So, here I go, once a week for a year to a chiropractor, and a counselor intermittently. I want to get "better." So intentionally, I'm committing to do so. I will exhaust my resources to do so. Life, money, relationships, health. All a matter of priority...