Innate Struggle.

There is something innate with in me. It's the push in me. The desire to "achieve" to "live passion" to "drive forward." It escalates within me. It's this tense mulling that stops and goes like a unruly teenager grinding gas and breaks over speed bumps.

And I can't let it go. I wish I could. I wish I could just say, "ah, well... I'll just stay nannying another year and travel and enjoy it..." but instead I keep scourging for jobs and putting myself out there for hope and fight and disappointment. Like a bloody battle that this beat up warrior ceases to fight.

Push, push, push. Try, try, try. Agnst, agnst, agnst.

How do I either let it go, or, struggle well?

I tried. I submitted. I wanted a house. With all of me. Tears and finances and all of it galore. And cried over finding an apartment. With white walls and porches stacked. And signed a lease. Taking the "easy button" and hoping it would release the push in me. Instead, I just feel disappointed. Discouraged. Uneasy. Like something isn't right. I try to tell myself it will be fine. Or decorate the space in my head. But there is this thing in me that says it's not right... But neither were any houses I found, or my price limit, or the residential plots. And I can do nothing about the fact that shelter is a necessity in life. I can't just "pray it away" or leave it to rest... I had to do something. It's just that the something feels backward and not right.

In church today, Pastor Kallam introduced our new series "Struggling Well." He walked through Job, Simon Peter, and life, noting the contradictory ideals verses reality, examining too for us the life we have is often not the life we planned or dreamed... We want explanations for things, answer to the whys, fairness, and control. Yet, we can't control or manage life or God. But God is promised to be present in the struggle. Kallam defines struggling well with: engaging and wrestling with life believing that God himself is enough and the confusion and mystery of life point us to Christ who is our only hope.

Right now, in this, I can struggle well. I do, struggle well. Because I do wrestle with God (trust me, he's heard many a-word from me! Grrr!), and I do come to the point that in all this open handedness, in all this sacrifice, and surrender, no matter what... there is something in me that can not give Him up. Even if I wanted to. I keep coming back to the root of the fact that Everything Is Him.

But as I spread the monologue before me, I still can't hid away from the fact and wondering of this struggle. This presence of me. There are many who can ease through life, or not try so hard, or let be what is. But for some reason I can not. I am always trying for more. Aiming for better. Pushing the life out of me. Leaving me with dreams and desires and hope, which is good. But disappointment and discouragement... which is, well, not.

So here I am, this is me. Struggling well. But still wondering why I seem to "make" myself struggle.

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Blog Note: In all of this, I keep thinking I'm "Waiting for Perfect"... How do I know what is to wait for, what what I need to call "good enough"?