Trying to Meet Someone.

"If I weren't trying to meet someone..."

Sometimes I wonder this. About my life. My heart. My energy. My time.

If I weren't trying to meet someone, how much energy would be left over to love deeply those I already know and love? How much energy would be left to pour into the circles I already stand in, and into him?

If I weren't trying to meet someone...

How would the patterns of my heart change? How would my motives look differently? How would the parts of me that need to nurture and love, be nurturing and loving, or be nurtured and loved?

If I weren't trying to meet someone...

How much of my time would be left to nights at home? To weekends cuddled under the covers or on the couch or being together? How much of it would be filled with greater purpose rather than the scant scatterings of filled spaces?

How much of my life, my heart, my energy, my time, is wasted in the wanting, the wishing, the hoping... the excess, of trying to meet someone?

~~~

But, if I weren't trying to meet someone, where would it leave me then? I've done that route, ended up with nothing. I've thought of hermitting too, but that doesn't help. I've lived countless times with blind eyes and a disciplined, focused heart, but that shows blank pages too. So, surely, how does one try and not expend themselves at the effort of meeting someone, but yet.... meet someone at the same time...?