Fear of Self.

If I'm honest, wait.. I am honest, perhaps this blog is more of a reminiscent letter and reminder to myself as it is asking for prayer from others... I am having a hard time here in Charlotte. I love the city, I love North Carolina. But I am really struggling the last couple days internally. Fighting against myself, fighting anxiety, fighting a lot of fear. Its like nothing I've experienced earlier in my life. I was doing so good until I arrived at my school for the first day and ti knocked the wind out of me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Everything just kind of collided and feel apart. I feel like I shouldn't be there, I feel like I shouldn't be teaching right now. I feel like I just need a place to recuperate, to get healthy again. My heart is splattered all over and lately can't get back to 'normal' or get back 'on top of it' again. I went to a church today and talked to a lady and she asked about the job and asked about grief. She said I was normal and just going through so much right now. I agree with at least the 'going through so much' right now part. But am starting to feel not normal about it. Perhaps its just the mixture of transition with loneliness with fear about school with grief with everything else. But I am worried about myself.

At a job interview in Florida 5 years ago, a principal told that I would be my worst enemy. That I am so driven that I will be a great teacher, but will need to learn when to let go. I see this in myself over the past several years. And I am trying to learn to let myself get some grace along the way. A relative reminded me of this "self as worst enemy" this week when I just called wanting to give up. And then a the lady at church said the same and to offer myself some grace.

My question is then, how do I offer myself grace when I don't have the space to do so? How do I offer myself grace and space when everyone just keeps reminding me I need work and a paycheck? How do I give myself time to heal when I know I need to meet people and get connected to lessen the loneliness? How do I give myself the freedom to be who Christ made me, when I feel attacked on all sides, especially at that school? How do I know if I can quit that job based on my extreme intuition that its not a a good thing, when I don't know what else to do, or if I can trust my feelings at this point?

So in short, I am fighting fear. I am fighting life. I am trying. I am sitting at a Starbucks in the sun, and I'm sure to most people around here, I look adorable with my frappichino and computer. But I know that in me reeks fear and anxiety and the inability to depart from him. No matter how much I try to deny it, stop it, surrender it, or see God over it, it debilitates me.

So sorry for the honesty in this post, but sometimes the only way I can see straight is to admit life, and to 'write through it.' And my journal just wasn't going to do today. So I'm letting my words speak straight through the fear and asking for God's deep commitment to me to claim me back.