Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Feelings Speak.

Some people say I feel too much, or am too sensitive, or shouldn't let my feelings be so enduring in my heart. Well, I disagree. I feel my feelings. I know my feelings. I also trust that God guides my feelings often. And here is just one more dictation of that:

This blog post in italics is copied from this August:

I once took a job that I knew from the first meeting that I shouldn't have. It was at a church and I had a terrible feeling about it from the get-go, but based on the fact that I had no other options and it seemed everyone I talked to thought it was a great job for me, I took it. It was security, it was a salary, it was a step.
I found out really quickly why I had that stubborn intuition, and that I should have followed that instead. I found out really quickly that I can't always put logic and practicality over the Spirit's guidance. It ended up with me quitting (which got messy) after about 2-3 months and tumbling through a series of hurdles in between.
I think that's why I have this fear now. Because setting foot on the campus of this new school gives me the same feeling. The same "I shouldn't be here" thing. All practicality points to a salary, benefits, a place to go everyday. And I try to reason with it -- that its a place for me to go everyday, that sixth graders could be a good change, that I can fight through it and it might get better. That its just my emotions in turmoil right now.
But I'm not sure that this is right. I'm not sure what I will do if I don't stay there. I'm not sure if I trust my emotions and intuition right now when everything seems out of wack. But I have that same feeling... which then echos with fear.

And God spoke through my feelings. And I knew it. I knew it then. I know it now. So the next time someone wants to tell me I feel too much, lean into my feelings too much, or don't see outside of my feelings, be aware of this. And be aware of the fact that I understand logic, I am made in God's likeness. I am made with a capable brain, a practical mind, and a discerning wisdom. But I am also made with my feelings. And sometimes, often, God speaks through them and with them and leads me by them.

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