Scarlet Letter.

Twice this week, I feel like I'm branded with a Scarlet Letter. And it started last week. The woman on the other end of the phone said, "So, you were working at a school and quit...?" right out of the gate. Her first question for a job interview. I felt plagued, caught, fishing for some way to explain.

The same woman called yesterday, once again seeing me in red, as if taking the letter and placing it on me, so people from afar could see. Big and bold "She quit her job! She didn't commit!" I got off the phone, feeling hurt and frustrated, helpless in my state. I try to be optimistic about these nanny jobs, but when the lady calls and constantly reminds me that I quit and that families are going to want me to commit, I feel branded with a scarlet letter. Especially when she adds, "Well, maybe you need to think about if this is even what you want or not..." and adding her two cents which seemed to berate me and the state that I'm in.

I'm lost. I know. I can admit that. Six months ago, my life got flipped upside down. I had quit my 'stable' job at a school because of God's leading, then lost my mom, moved to a new city, living with new friends, and yes, started a job I knew I shouldn't have taken, and then had to quit. So sorry that I don't know what I want to commit to for the next two years, but really, I have no idea what I'm doing.

And now today, as I get ready for an interview with a family, a friend asked what I will say when they ask how long I'll commit and explain my last job. Once again, it was like paint brushes smearing a big old letter on me. Trying to defend myself but knowing I wear it. She tried to configure an explanation for me to say about summer and reevaluating then and examining the fit...

But I walk away, feeling branded with the Scarlet Letter.

My life verse is: "He who began a good work in me will carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I reel it through my head, like a train constantly passing through. Trying to claim it as myself and like it conquers the fear, the doubt, the discouragement that has just rested and settled in me. My devotional yesterday morning penetrates this to the core:

"The Devil has two very masterful tricks. The first is to tempt us to become discouraged, for them we are defeated and of no service to others, at least for a while. The other is to tempt us to doubt, thereby breaking the bond of faith that unites us with the Father."

~ Streams in the Desert, p.390

I know the Devil and see the Devil in this doubt and discouragement, this Scarlet Letter I seem to wear. I also know that Christ has claim on me, and so as I recognize the Devil, I robe myself in His armor (Ephesians 6). Because he has the victory and ability to erase this Scarlet Letter.