The Other Side of the Blue Dress.

What does it mean for me today, to be who I am, who I want to be, but with space that leads longing for both?

What I mean is...

I'm not a party girl. I've never wanted to be. I didn't grow up dreaming of sororities, or going out dancing on Friday nights, or wearing sexy dresses, or waiting for men to lure over me. Cheering to colorful drinks and hoot-hooing and coming home in the late hours.

No. What I dreamt was of families, and children. I like to crawl into bed by ten pm and sleep in until 7 and live fully in between. I like to bake cookies in the kitchen, dance by myself, and gather at the lakeside. I'm the girl who went to Taylor for my M.R.S. degree (literally!) and carefully holds the Proverb "she does him good and not harm all the days of her life" in her heart.

But I'm stuck here in this odd place of being either hermit-like alone and meeting no one to "achieve" the desired status, and being quiet and wishing and wanting... Or every now-and-then acting like I could be one of the party girls, to try and be alluring enough to engage some guy to wish he would talk to me and want to get to know me (which, lets be honest, does that happen anyway?)

So I'm perplexed. It's not that I don't like to have fun, but there is an emptiness, a longing deep in it too that stirs whether or not I battle it not to. There is a hope that won't, that can't, stay hidden for long, no matter how far I try to shove it away.

So I fake times of party-girl. And it looks lavish and movie-like and positively envious to on-lookers. But what they don't know, don't realize, don't understand.... is the girl on the other side of the blue dress.